17 October 2017

WHAT MY TODDLER ATE TUESDAY [17/10/17]

BREAKFAST


// Boiled Egg & Wholemeal Soldiers

This breakfast was requested by Eloise who loves eggs. Lily on the other hand still isn't sure. I've only given her boiled egg a few times so there is time for her to decide she likes them but at the moment they get poked around quite a bit and only minimal bits actually get as far as her mouth. 

LUNCH


// Shredded Hoisin Duck Wrap

I bloody love this stuff. It's not real meat, I've never actually had actual duck so can't comment on it's likeness but it's bloody nice. Lily likes it and even Ben the vegetarian food hater liked it. They also do a shredded chicken version which is nice too! I add all sorts of different flavours to that one like, tikka masala, BBQ, basically any random spices you like. 


DINNER


// Rainbow Cauliflower Cheese

I picked up some yellow sticker rainbow cauliflower from M&S because I am a sucker for anything rainbow and I have never seen a vegetable as beautiful. I wouldn't say it was particularly a rainbow, they were purple and yellow but it made for a fun dinner. Anything with cheese is a winner in this house, especially with Lily. 

Lily does also have a snack which usually consists of baby crisps, raisins, fresh or dried fruit, yoghurts, that kind of thing although since she's had this cold she's been very picky over everything. She's also cutting 4 teeth so that probably contributes to the fussiness too. I always forget to photograph her snacks, normally because she's hangry haha. I will try and remember next week!

Catch up on last weeks What My Toddler Ate Tuesday post here.

16 October 2017

REVIEW // LUSH BEWITCHED


The main reason I bought this little cat is because it shares the same scent as the discontinued Blackberry Bath Bomb?! I absolutely bloody adored the scent so when I found out about this I was pretty damn excited. Not only that, but it is also cat shaped which makes it an instant winner anyway. Although I felt pretty mean breaking off an ear.

This little cat transforms your bath water into an eerie abyss. Much like my soul. I'd have liked a bit more of sparkle but we can't have it all. I think if you used the entire thing you'd be able to see the shimmer but with the bit I used I couldn't tell.


The scent is amazing, very unisex I'd say with its fruitiness and woodiness in equal measure. I find bubble bars the best value for money in Lush. You can get a good 4 baths out of most bubble bars if you want to be as tight as I am. Or you could chuck the entire thing in but unless you have a huge bath the bubbles are going to overflow like mad! I used an ear and the bubbles were nearly overflowing, I love bubble bars for this reason. So. Many. Bubbles.

As always, the water and bubbles are so creamy and moisturising although I'd buy this for the scent alone. Now they just need to do something with the Space Girl scent *hint hint*.

Have a look at my other Lush reviews here.

15 October 2017

BABY AND PREGNANCY LOSS AWARENESS DAY 2017


I should have a nearly 3 year old right now and Lily shouldn't exist.

It head fucks me massively to look at it like that but it's true. I obviously love Lily with my whole heart and wouldn't change anything but the thought can't help but creep into my head at the lonely hour of 2am.

They shared the same due date. Exactly a year apart, so technically speaking they could both have existed but in reality I wouldn't have even thought of getting pregnant again that quickly. I even found out I was pregnant with them both on the same date, announced it on the same date. Too much to be a coincidence, right? I found that very comforting at the time, I felt like my angel was there. That they made it happen.

I've spent a long time trying to figure out what to say in this post and whether to post it at all. I have left this to the absolute last minute to write because I've been flitting between not posting today at all or just posting a random draft and neither felt right. Today felt like it needed a post that wasn't some random review or Halloween post. Today needed to be about the baby I lost.

Having said that, I feel like whatever I write here won't be good enough. I feel like no words are right. No words are good enough. I feel like nothing I write will come across how I want it to because translations of the heart are difficult at the best of times and I think a lot of us who has lost babies feel the same. The feelings are there but the words don't do them justice.



They say that a person dies twice; once when their heart stops and once when their name is said for the last time. My baby didn't have a name so what does that mean for them? Should I have named them? At the time I had people brushing my loss off as if it was nothing. I was made to feel weak and pathetic for letting it affect me. I never grieved properly because no one else seemed bothered, I couldn't share my grief with anyone because no one else seemed to care. I was offered no kind of grief counselling despite having a breakdown to the extent it was contemplated late one night whether the best option for me would be to just section myself.

3 years later and I still haven't had any grief counselling despite mentioning how this still affects me to countless mental health care professionals. When I first wrote about loss on my blog I wrote a short paragraph simply stating facts and said:


That was over 3 years ago now and I was so afraid that people would just forget. And they did. I'm the only one who actively remembers, who speaks about them. The grief is still there, not as raw now although certain dates open up the wounds but they're healing now. As time goes on, the grief will tap you gently on the shoulder rather than scream into your ribcage, and wounds will begin to heal but grief is as strong as love and is something that will always be a part of you. 

No matter what we do, there will always be a hole where the babies we lost should be.


I bought myself a birthstone ring in secret before the miscarriage ended completely. I still don't wear it. I'm too afraid of losing that too. It sounds so stupid written down but I couldn't bear losing the only thing I feel connects me to when I was carrying my baby.



Over the past few years I've found ways to help me cope. I ended up painting my tiny bump photo with my battered old watercolours and framing it on my wall, it now hangs pride of place in my living room.

I have done these paintings for other people too. I think sometimes it helps when pregnancy tests and blurry bump photos are all you've got to remember your baby. I don't charge for these, I just stumble across women and offer. If you have lost a baby and would like me to paint an illustration of your bump or pregnancy test, please get in touch. 

I find I also crochet hats for neonatal units and volunteer for the Octopus For A Preemie project although I've not been able to donate much lately because my wrist has been buggered.

I find doing things like this has helped me deal with the grief a little and I feel as if I'm doing something, I'm doing it in the memory of my angel whilst helping others.



Every year on 15th October, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, I light a candle in memory of my angels as part of the Wave Of Light

The Wave Of Light is where people, all over the world, light a candle at 7pm their time for one hour which creates a full day of flickering lights over the entire world. These lights may be small, but they are there. Just like our babies.



"A person is a person, no matter how small"
- Dr Seuss


I'm going to share some links:

// A blog post by Laura from Five Little Doves about the perfect moments who shares a collection of moments of joy amongst the sadness of baby and pregnancy loss - Our Prefect Moments

// A blog post of mine - What Not To Say To Someone Who Has Suffered a Miscarriage 

// If you can crochet or knit and what to get involved in Octopus For A Preemie then click here.

// Another blog post by Laura from Five Little Doves - Why Your Loss Will Never Compare To Mine

// A link to the Birthstone Ring I bought.

// For the One Strong Mother pin click here.

// For the pink and blue ribbon baby loss awareness pin click here.

// I have written about my story on my blog before, going in to quite a lot of detail and have gone on to start my pregnancy after a loss story too.

// SANDS - Stillbirth and neonatal death charity.

// Miscarriage Association





Until we meet again <3

14 October 2017

THE AUTUMN TAG!


Thank you to the beautiful Amy,  Caitylis and Eileen for the tag! I bloody love Autumn and all the wonderful cosy bits and bobs although so far the only things I've got so far this Autumn is a Pumpkin Spiced candle from B&M (which you can read about here) and sinusitis. I have been ill for an entire month now and yeh, it's not fun. Anyway, enough moping, on with the tag!

THE AUTUMN TAG



1.) What is your favourite Autumnal lip colour?

Hard one already, I love berry shades for Autumn, my two favourites at the moment are Lime Crime Polly and Topshop Twin. 


2.) What is your favourite Autumnal nail colour?

I love muted purples, greys and deep reds for Autumn, I'm wearing Barry M Lap Of Honour right now which is a muted purple. 

3.) Favourite Autumn Starbucks/costa drink?

Pumpkin Spiced Latte. Obviously. I do love the praline one Costa do but I've not been to Costa yet this Autumn so I've got to say Starbucks haven't I. Although saying that, I think the drink I'm thinking of is actually part of their Christmas menu...Basically, I love coffee that doesn't taste much like coffee, give me a latte and I'm good. Cappuccino and Mochas are my limit. 

4.) Favourite Autumn Candle?

I currently have no sense of smell thanks to 10 day long (and counting) sinusitis but I have some Mrs Clauses Cookies wax brittle from Emily Makes Boutique, which okay, it's technically a Christmas scent but I love it so much! Lots of vanilla, cinnamon goodness going on there and it looks good enough to eat too!

5.) Favourite Autumn Accessory

Fashion accessory – Leather Ankle boots are my staple for Autumn along with thick socks , vintage jumpers and turtlenecks.

Home accessory – I haven't actually kitted the house out yet but I'm feeling the autumn leaf garlands and fancy pumpkins. Ben bought me the most beautiful autumnal flowers the other day, I love deep reds and yellows flower wise for this time of year. 


6.) Haunted House or Scary Maze?

I went to Terror Towers in Scarborough when I was about 10 and just fuck no to doing that ever again!

7.) Favourite Halloween Movie?

You know, I don't actually have a clue. I do love a horror film, although not if I have to sleep alone because I am tragically whimpy. Insidious fucked me up the most though so I'm going to say that. 

**tip toeee through the windooooow** - fuck that shit sideways!

28 Days Later was my favourite back in college but it was also a film I used in an assignment where I had to analyse it, and after nit picking it for a week and then having to write a thousand odd words...it was never the same.

8.) Favourite Halloween Sweets?

 I'm actually more of a crisp person but Halloween time means Mop time where I live so it's fresh doughnuts, honeycomb and candyfloss. 

9.) What are you dressing up as for Halloween?

A zombie so I don't need to worry about a costume.

10.) What’s your favourite thing about Autumn?

Pretty much everything (minus the germs). I love the crunchy leaves, the cooler temperatures, the dark nights (until SAD sets in), and cosy blankets. I love the smells, cute baby clothes. Basically everything. 


I tag:

Fern @Mumconventional

Zoe @Mummy&Liss

Becca @MyGirls&Me

Hanna @LittleSnippets

Claire @DearMummyBear

Tamara @TheEpilepticBlogger

Katie @AMothersLove

Rachael @FromRachaelClaire
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