This week marks the end of the school year and the end of year 2 for Eloise. She is officially no longer an infant and will be returning as a junior. I’ve always been one of those Mums who is a complete and total annoying wreck who goes on and on about how they “can’t believe how grown up *insert kids name here* looks” but – I can’t believe how grown up she looks! I’m feeling very old and a little bit sad that she’s growing up in some sort of fast forward world but I’m also sooooo thankful that there are NO FUCKING SCHOOL RUNS FOR 6 WEEKS!!! I’ve been looking forward to that for a year. No alarms, no non stop loops of “have you brushed your teeth?” “get your uniform on please” “get your uniform on NOW” “please don’t spit tooth paste on the mirror” “have you got your drink in your bag?” “go and put your drink in your bag” and “HURRY UP FOR THE LOVE OF GOD” … you get the idea. I may just record my voice saying all that shit and play it 600 times in the morning next term. Would save me a lot of effort.
For teacher gifts I went all out Pinterest Mum and actually, this seemed like less effort than going shopping and trying to figure out what kind of wine and chocolates Eloise’s teacher likes. If I was a teacher I’d love something like this although I do have very strange taste when it comes to preferred gifts but hopefully she didn’t hate it! Pretty proud of this actually, I did the lettering and got Eloise to draw her teacher in pencil which I then went over in pen and painted with watercolours. I also made Eloise a cute little packed lunch for the last day of term so I felt like I actually had my shit together for the most part of that day.
Other stuff wise I’ve been struggling with my mental health which has been very up and down the past couple of months, everything kind of happened at the wrong time (not that there is a right time for people to be assholes). I had just been discharged from MH care because I missed an appointment so was feeling pretty fragile anyway because I’ve been in some sort of MH care since CAMHS and I don’t know, maybe I just stunk of vulnerability, but yeh, it’s really set me back again.
Saying that, the last couple of days I’ve been really productive and felt so much better than I have in weeks, I’ve cooked from scratch 2 days running, I’ve filmed 2 videos, 4 if you count Ben’s vlog and the colab we did together. I’ve edited and added subtitles to one and nearly finished a rough cut of the second along with a few blog posts but today I feel like I’ve crashed again and just feel low.
My wrist is also fucked and typing with a splint on is hard as balls. Hypermobility Syndrome, for those who haven’t got it or have no idea what it is, is a chronic illness which comes with a nice slice of chronic pain. My body is always in some degree of pain. Always. It feels like walking on Lego on a loop. Everyday. Except your foot is your entire body and the Lego doesn’t exist. I guess I’m just feeling shit that I can’t do anything without my body deciding to dish out a hearty portion of pain whenever I do anything and if it’s not that it’s people trying to screw me emotionally/mentally/whatever.
I’m really struggling with breastfeeding at the moment, the aversion is always worse when I’m feeling shit and I’m just generally feeling like I’m failing Lily because I managed it better with Eloise. I realise that is totally fucking ridiculous to think that but when you’ve had someone pick at every little thing you do parenting wise and everywhere you look people are being judgemental about fucking something it generally makes you question everything and feel all levels of shit. Maybe I need thicker skin, I don’t know. Maybe people should just stop being dicks to everyone. Why is it so hard to just be nice? Jesus…
I just hope I can look back on this soon and feel like I’m finally above the water. I’ve been re referred to a different mental health service so I feel like I have my safety net back and we are currently trying to introduce a bottle of formula to cut down the breastfeeds so there’s that. And without jinxing it, Lily has slept two 7 hour stretches this last week and although I feel more tired today, it’s been nice. She still hasn’t fallen asleep before 11pm but eh, swings and roundabouts.