*** TRIGGER WARNING mentions suicide and details that some may find triggering <3***
Let’s talk about suicide.
I’ve been the one that stayed up all night for days on end to make sure someone is safe, I’ve been the one that has called the ambulance. I’ve been the one trying to keep somebody conscious until that ambulance arrives, I’ve been the one trying to figure out how many pills someone has taken and I’ve been the one who’s had their wrist stitched up. I’ve been the one that’s been there, in what seems like the never ending suffocation that is life.
If you follow my blog you will probably know that we have been having problems with a cyberbully, now one of the things this person said to Ben that has stuck in my mind is that people who talk about mental health online are just attention seekers and it stung if I’m honest and made me second guess what people really thought about me sharing my experiences with mental illness online. Did other people really just think I’m attention seeking? Was this true? Or just general negativity from someone who seemed so intent on destroying us. I came to the conclusion that it was definitely the latter and when I speak about my mental health I’m not looking for the “I’m sorry’s” or the “are you okay’s?!” and “poor you’s”. I’m looking to show people that they are not alone. There are other people struggling to leave the door of their house or drag themselves out of bed. There are other people, Mums, Dads, who do not have their shit together and struggle every day with their own mind.
I filmed a video and wrote a blog post about some of the mental illness I suffer/have suffered with which took a lot of lady balls to post after those comments – Mental Illnesses Are Not F***ing Adjectives. This post/video goes quite in depth with some of the struggles I have experiences and the response was far more than I could have imagined. Just me touching on the tip of the iceberg which is my life helped people and reminded me of why I’m doing this.
Going back to the cyberbullying, now this is something I absolutely did not expect to be experiencing at 26 years old but alas, people apparently don’t stop being dicks when they reach adulthood. This entire experience completely shat on me from a height, I was having panic attacks and adrenaline surges whenever a family member sent me a message because they share the same name as the person who seemed so driven by causing us misery. I found myself slipping back into my old ways, the depression cloud started to return and the intrusive self harm urges returned along with the deafening screams of the suicidal thoughts. The adrenaline surges were happening every 5-10 minutes and this went on and on. And on. They were more exhausting than panic attacks themselves and I found myself really struggling to keep my head above water after previously getting so far into recovery.
My issue is that this person knew how their actions were making me feel yet they continued. They targeted Ben more. They knew their actions were making me feel suicidal and affecting Ben too yet THEY CARRIED ON. This is the kind of shit that pushes people. So just don’t. What are you actually gaining?
Long story short I had recently been discharged for the first time in years from mental health care (for not attending due to my anxiety…go figure. I had my GP phone me and ask why I hadn’t attended and I explained that I was unable to because my anxiety was so bad and they just said to phone back to be re referred whenever I am able to attend….) and I spoke to my health visitor who is absolutely fantastic and she saw how much I was struggling and referred me herself. I’ve had my first session and I’m feeling pretty positive about recovery for the first time in years.
5,688 people committed suicide in the UK last year.
Female suicide rates are at the highest they’ve been in 10 years.
Suicide is the most common cause of death in men aged 20-49 years old.
People from the LGBTQ+ community are twice as likely to have suicidal thoughts or attempt suicide than heterosexual people.
Shocking statistics right? That many people were struggling so much that they felt ending their life was the only option they had. This is why I am so open about my mental health online, why I’m not doing it for sympathy or attention, I’m doing it for those people. Those who feel the stigma surrounding mental health so strong that they feel they can’t open up. Those who feel completely alone. Those who watch other people through filters and highlight reels wondering how they make living look so easy. To those who feel like they aren’t going to make it because I’ve been there too. And I’m still here.
If I had ended everything the first time, I wouldn’t have found Ben again at college. I wouldn’t have had Eloise. Or Lily. I wouldn’t have found the three people who make me the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. I’m not going to lie and say I don’t struggle anymore because I do, I still fight self harm urges, I still have suicidal thoughts creep back in when things like the cyberbulling crop up and I’ve fallen off the wagon more times than I can count but my point is, I wouldn’t have found my life if I had lost mine.
I totally understand how me saying that probably won’t help you feel differently right now, I’ve been there. It’s difficult to believe that things can do anything but get worse when you are so consumed by the fog of depression. But it will. Trust me.
You may feel like no one loves you. But they do love you. You may think people don’t want you. But you are wanted. You may think the world doesn’t need you. But I promise you, it does.
Depression clouds everything and leeches the world of every single scrap of colour. It turns positives into negatives and negatives into bigger negatives and drowns you on the inside but it is possible to recover. Yes, it’ll be one of the toughest battles you will ever face but isn’t living as you are now, fighting with your primal instinct to survive and your will for the pain to stop just as exhausting? You’ve got this far and that alone proves just how strong you are and that you CAN and you WILL make it. I believe in you.
“You know, I read a tweet the other month about how people with mental illnesses are weak. Easy targets. But you do know what? We are the strongest of people because we have to be. Mental illnesses don’t make you weaker, they make you have to learn to be stronger.
Call: 116 123 (UK & ROI) (this phone line is open 24/7 and is free of charge)
Call: 0800 1111
This phone line is for children and young people and will not show up on phone bills.
This is a website for both children and adults who are affected by bullying
Call: 0808 2000 247
This is a free 24 hour Domestic Violence Helpline.
Please see this link with details on how to cover your tracks when visiting this website.
Call: 0300 330 0630
This is an LGBTQ+ helpline. All call handlers identify as LGBTQ+.
For other helplines please click here.
P.S You are going to make it out alive.