Before I had kids, in fact, when I was pregnant with Eloise I was determined to be a Mum who had their shit together 100% of the time. I would take her to baby groups, I’d iron all of her sleepsuits without fail, feed her only homemade food made with organic vegetables, she would NEVER have a bite of chocolate or a sip of juice before she was 4 and I would be Pinterest worthy with my hand crafted baby sensory activities. I would do Mummy and baby yoga and eat a healthy balanced diet of rabbit food and seeds with names I can’t pronounce.
But then I gave birth.
After I had Eloise, it became obvious rather quickly that I 100% did not have my shit together. I will give myself credit and say I did manage some of those things occasionally but for the most part I simply thought “fuck it”, gave her a kinder egg and beige food from the freezer. I have constant Mum guilt with Lily because I was a lot less anal with things and I think she was about 6 months old when she had her first lick of a chocolate bar. Probably younger actually as she had a habit of nicking things straight from my very hands and 90% of her clothes have never so much as seen a iron.
I’ve complied this list filled with confessions of things I am 100% guilty of:
// Hiding stained clothing- a snowsuit or a bib hides a multitude of sins.
// The TV/iPad/Laptop/Tablet/iPhone has been used as a babysitter more times than I care to admit.
// CBeebies is the only reason I remember lunch time.
// I told Eloise that the ice cream man only plays his jingle when he’s ran out of ice cream just so I didn’t have to leg it down the street like a NOB.
// I’ve been known to wear the same bra for well over a week on more than one occasion. Probably more like a month.
// I still wear your maternity underwear so much that my pubes have started to wear a hole in while my kids have brand new underwear.
// I’ve ordered takeaway once the kids are in bed so I don’t have to share.
// I have spat on something to clean filth off of my kids’ faces.
// I’ve eaten scraps off plates and highchairs that have a 101% chance of having baby spit on them.
// Clothes are chosen by which has the least amount of baby food and/or snot on.
// I’ve used my sleeves as emergency snots rags more times than I can count.
// I’ve wiped a shitty arse with a sock in Sainsbury’s car park…And then forgot about the said sock for approximately 3 months.
Other Mummy blogger confessions:
// I’m still wearing my maternity leggings and on PMT days when I bloat up like a balloon I wear my old maternity jeans – my youngest is nearly 3! – Rachel @Coffee, Cake, Kids
// Since becoming a Mum I have gained weight from eating my sons left overs if it looks good – Katrina @Trinimamabebe
// I have just accepted that I will big knickers for life how after a c-section! – Katy @KatyKicker.com
// Last week I was caught eating Nutella from the jar. Not wanting to share, I told my kids it was poop. They, in turn, told every single one of their friends that I eat poop from a jar. Whatever, I’d do it again. – Elizabeth @The Homemakers Journal
// Using ‘my child is ill’ as an excuse to stay in you pjs and not go out – Becky @The Mummy Adventure
// I haven’t breastfed for 5 months but I’m still wearing my nursing bra because it’s so damn comfortable. – Christy @Welsh Mum Of One
// I’m still wearing my maternity jeans with the bump band. Purely for the fact that they are the comfiest damn jeans I’ve ever worn. They also stretch with belly after I’ve eaten a mammoth Chinese – Rachael @From, Rachael Claire
// I have never, ever cleaned our oven – not only do I not have the time I just don’t like the idea of the kids breathing in all those chemicals – that’s my excuse anyway!! – Natalie @Confessions of a Crummy Mummy
// I have been known to tell my daughter I’m going for a poo then sit in the bathroom with a couple of snacks just so I don’t have to share. Germs are overrated – Tamara @The Epileptic Blogger
// Most days I stealthily eat chocolate with my head in the cupboard and if the kids spot me chewing, I tell them its a grape. – Jennie @Rice Cakes and Raisins
// I have let my toddler dip his crackers in the butter because I couldn’t deal with the meltdown that would have occurred otherwise… this has happened more than once my mum was aghast when he asked to dip crackers in HER butter, I pretended I didn’t know what he was on about… – Emily @Squidmamma
// I am 20 weeks pregnant and breastfeeding a toddler. On days i am feeling touched out i will distract with a biscuit… sometimes multiple biscuits are offered – Siobahan @The Baby Boat Diaries
// I have sat in McDonald’s wait for the clock to tick to 10.30am to feed the kids nuggets – Beth @Twinderelmo
// I have actually licked my finger to rub toothpaste off my child’s face! I used to think it was disgusting but if you’re out of baby wipes then needs must! – Becky @Little, Big & Me
// My little boy is four next month, stopped Breastfeeding at two and I’m wearing a nursing bra right now…. so comfy. Also I have definitely put a towel over pee/breastmilk/god knows what else and gone back to sleep to avoid changing the sheets in the middle of the night… – Lauren @Dilan and Me
// I often hide in the kitchen and eat chocolate so I don’t have to share with my toddler!! – Pip @Pip Milburn
// I regularly ask the following questions “Is that chocolate or poop?”And “Why is this wet?” – Rachel @Marvellous Mrs Phttp://www.marvellousMrsP.com
// I shamelessly (and willingly) give my son the phone first thing in the morning and let him see crap on YouTube… just so I get a few more minutes shut-eye – Nicole @Tales From Mamaville
//I’m actually still wearing my maternity knickers they’re just so comfy. – Laura @Oh So Mummy
// I always use the children as an excuse to get out of social events – Gemma @Mummy In The Madhouse
// As I write this I am sat in maternity leggings (that have a hole in the knee)….my youngest daughter is 2.5 – that’s years not months! haha! – Tess @Hotchpotch Mum
// I once put ear drops in my sons eyes – Mandy @Mum-Atron At Work